Soccer Mom 101

Here is my latest business venture. I am going to market classes to mothers whose children are first-timers in the world of athletics. I will teach them how to coach their children so as the entire family will not look like idiots at practices and/or games (especially when you are a four year old playing in an under-6 league with all children are who about to turn six!).

Here are the first five lessons of Soccer Mom Perfection 101 . . . .

1. Coach your child INTENSELY on what is appropriate to say and what is not appropriate to say at practice. For example, pointing out every airplane that passes overhead is NOT pertinent to playing the game of soccer and therefore should be kept to oneself.

2. Make it understood that your child is NOT to give you a running commentary from the field when you are on the sidelines, i.e. when the ball whizzes past the kid into the goal, do not look at me and say, "Wow Mom, these kids are good!"

3. Wear appropriate soccer attire to practice (especially when it is 101 degrees outside). You have to go to the store and get the appropriate 'costume' for the sport you are playing, so for soccer practice you will look like a dork if you show up in a shirt with your Children's Place khaki cargo shorts because your mother HATES athletic shorts and hasn't ever bought you any.

4. Don't become so engrossed in the newfound sport that you neglect your other children. For example, if you have a child that is newly potty trained, you might want to consider where he will poop when you are practicing in a cut over cotton field (other than in his newly acquired Elmo big boys - - - pooping in one's Elmo big boys is a setback even though you couldn't help it)

5. Be understanding that your child cannot be expected to concentrate on a lot of things at once. Give them a simple direction before the practice and you do the rest. Tell the kid to listen to his coach. Then you are left with the responsibility of making sure that he doesn't step in the fire ant beds on the "practice field" so as to avoid leaving practice via paramedical assistance.

Don't you think I'll make a million dollars with all this practical advice??? I'm certain that after Tuesday's practice, I will have five more lessons!